Expectations
The Holidays are a good time to take up the topic of Expectations. We set ourselves up for disappointment time after time when it comes to family, friends, colleagues, and lovers, perhaps never more than during this season. How does this work? I’ll share my experience of ongoing liberation from Expectations, using the Holidays to highlight the process. Your celebrations can be as lovely, or more so, if you keep it simple. It’s okay to have a vision of how we want to celebrate the Holidays. Where I tripped myself up in the past is by having a script for how others should behave – husband,...
Read MoreMistakes
Having the opportunity, which I consider blessed, to work with dying people in the role of Chaplain, has given me insight into the experience of mistakes, or sins if you will. We think in terms, of course, of a hierarchy of mistakes. Overindulging in a dessert is not in the same league as sleeping with your neighbor’s husband. photo credit – Steven Kreuch It’s the latter category of mistake, and much worse, that rises up to haunt people on their deathbed. We do know right from wrong and when we have wronged another we will be uncomfortable until we have atoned, in whatever way...
Read MorePerseverance
I was ruminating for a week over an entirely different blog topic when I came across this quote and knew what I needed to write about. ” Do not disturb yourself by picturing your life as a whole; do not assemble in your mind the many and varied troubles which have come to you in the past and will come again in the future, but ask yourself with regard to every present difficulty: What is there in this that is unbearable and beyond endurance?” Marcus Aurelius, Meditations The quote was in an article in The Atlantic magazine by Jessica Francis Kane, author of acclaimed short-story...
Read MoreTragedy
“In the ensuing months, she thought much about the way in which a stranger can finger your life: this man, who knows nothing of her, nor she of him, until both arrive at the fatal grid reference, which has always lain in wait. And now the man is gone… ...
Read MorePurpose
Imagine that you know you’re in the last few weeks of your life. There is a point at which the dying pull within themselves to do the work of dying. Just before that, there is often a desire for deeper connection to loved ones, even those who are estranged. The examination of one’s life to uncover the meaning of it is almost universal among the dying. The arena where this search for meaning is carried out is in relationship, to one’s family, community, and humanity. If the pursuit of ego-based desires dominated one’s life there is usually dissatisfaction, remorse, and...
Read MoreSorrow
“When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Kahil Gibran In this space I have written about tragic events from the news before. On a site dedicated to survivors of trauma, it sometimes is the responsible thing to do. Always, it is a sacred trust to attempt to find words for the unspeakable. This is the fourth day since the massacre of 27 people, 20 of them...
Read MoreBalance
Balance is not only about one’s relationship with gravity, although this is where learning about Balance is fundamental. Any variables (like water and slippery rocks) immediately make balance challenging. How we remain upright demands our focus. Beyond the challenges of gravity, there are many levels to the concept of Balance. What I want to highlight today is balancing the different aspects of ourselves on a daily basis, specifically, Body, Mind, Spirit, and Emotional Self. This involves asking the question “Am I giving equal time to each of these aspects?”...
Read MoreFortitude
This is a rather old fashioned word. I don’t hear it so much these days. I do hear it’s Pop culture synonyms quite often though – guts, grit, even moxie. It’s my opinion that we still need the word Fortitude to describe what enables us to endure, with moment-by-moment courage, the legacy of trauma, whether in ourselves or loved ones. Trauma interferes with our sense of Self. In the case of children, that sense of Self is developing and childhood trauma interrupts, diverts, co-opts, that natural process. The Psyche will organize itself to protect the core identity. In some cases this...
Read MoreBlame
I’ll be honest. I’ve avoided taking on this topic for a long time. It’s huge – pervasive and endemic in human interactions. The easiest way to approach it (perhaps not the most fun) is to start with myself. I admit to Blaming. It was like a dark cloud that shadowed my life. Blaming is different from holding someone accountable for their actions. We’ll get to that. When something happens or has happened that distresses us, the first thing we do is look to Blame, perhaps ourselves but more often someone else (this is called “off-loading” Blame)....
Read MoreStory
“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.” Anne Lamott One of the most damaging legacies of childhood trauma is loss of voice. It can take a lifetime to identify this crippling pattern, let alone change it. When we do commit to having a voice in our own life, our own destiny, we often doubt our ability to express ourselves skillfully. Perhaps we had no role models, no permission, no support – all of the above. The answer is to get your story out anyway you can....
Read MoreTrauma II
“The childhood I remember is not the only version that exists.” from PE by Victor Lodato In the previous essay on Trauma, I noted that our route to a fulfilling life must include an assessment of what is getting in our way. I promised to talk about How to do that assessment. The starting point is our thoughts, which then lead to our self-talk and the way we treat ourselves and others. If we were victims of childhood trauma, our memories and re-playing of that can pre-occupy us for a lifetime. There are entire decades I’d like to reclaim that were spent in this endless...
Read MoreTrauma
“Where a man has a certain fantasy, another man may lose his life, or, breach his spirit.” Carl Jung I begin with this quote from Carl Jung to demonstrate that Trauma is endemic in human society. The sense of the word “breach” as Jung uses it here is “rupture.” The aspect of trauma that I’m discussing in this essay is where there is an identified victim or victims and a perpetrator (or perpetrators). Trauma can come from natural disasters, man-made disasters and many natural or everyday occurrences – a child swallowing a bee (natural), or...
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